The Importance of Lifetime Movies

Many people make fun of me for watching Lifetime movies, but really I'm just looking out for myself. I've learned some very important lessons in safety and how to live my life. The following are just a few of the many things lifetime has taught me:

1. Never get married - 9 times out of 10, whatever the crime may be, the husband did it.

2. Don't trust your neighbors - They may have built a secret tunnel between your houses that they used to kill the previous tenant, and you're next.

3. Don't let your disability stop you - even a newly blind person can shot a gun and kill an escaped convict.

4. Be cautious of the help - your babysitter is not only crazy and wears your clothes when you're gone, but she wants to kill you and sleep with your husband.

5. Resolving an issue is never easy - at least one additional person will die before you confront the killer. This may just be a cop, but it could also be your best friend.

6. Mothers and mothers-in-law are always up to no good - They will try to kill you or your spouse. You've been warned.

7. Tori Spelling does not make a convincing co-ed call girl. Bulimic or girl who witnesses her parents' death, yes. Hooker, no.

8. Car accidents are never actually "accidents." - Something or more importantly, someone, was behind it.

9. Famous people who are escaping something embarrassing should go to a small town - they don't have televisions in small towns or movie theaters so no one will ever recognize you, especially the person you fall in love with, but you will eventually betray him or her by revealing your true identity before they eventually forgive you.

10. Breaking into someone's house who you suspect committed a crime will just lead to more problems for you - Not only are you almost guaranteed to get caught because they will come home early, but you are usually not armed and they are. Never a good idea.

11. The police are incompetent. - You have to solve the crime on your own because the police will never be able to do it. But be sure to pester them just enough so that they show up right at the end to save you after you did something stupid.

12. Small towns are always better than big cities - When forced to move to a rural town in Alaska or the south from the big city for a job that is only supposed to be temporary, you will find love and grow accustom to your new small town life, giving up your previous life for this unexciting place because the quirky people really make up for everything you had going for you in your big city life.

So there you have it. I hope you feel as prepared for life as I am now. Without Lifetime, I would have tried to bring my neighbors a casserole or worse yet, hired Tori Spelling as an escort.

The Fountain of Youth

I feel like the theme song of my life right now could be "Forever Young" (doesn't really matter what version, although the Bob Dylan lyrics probably work best). As I approach my upcoming birthday, I find myself getting more and more annoyed when people go, "how old are you? 19?" When I tell people I graduated from school in 2008, I frequently get, "from high school?"

People don't understand why it bothers me when someone thinks I'm younger than I really am. I don't mind being double-carded when I go out, but it really annoys me in professional situations. I want to be taken seriously, which is hard when someone thinks you're not even of the legal drinking age. How can someone hire me to be a supervisor or in charge of anyone when I not only look like I could be their kid, but also need a chaperone for an r rated movie.

Someday I'll be glad I look younger than my actual age, until then, I'll just be perturbed as I get asked for a second form of id while out celebrating my 24th birthday.

No taste is worse than bad taste.

I read something the other day saying that having no taste, or liking everything (in terms of music and movies and such) is worst than having bad taste. It worried me for what had to be a good whole two seconds before I realized I didn't really care, but it did get me thinking about things I dislike.

I dislike a lot of things. Like people, for instance. Okay, fine, I guess that's not true, it just feels that way some times. Like when I go to the mall, or a restaurant, or am watching reality tv, or driving my car. Really any time I am either out in public, or interacting/watching any members of the human species. But I digress...

A lot of times the things I dislike, some may agree with, but some may object. Its a good thing I don't care what you think then. I am not saying if I dislike something, you should too, because many times there is a legitimate reason for me to dislike it, other times, I just think its annoying.


So here, in no particular order, some things I dislike...

1.) "Butterfly" by Crazytown or any other piece of crap song this crappy band made.

2.) "Finding Nemo" - I know, everyone loves this movie, but I thought it was boring and everyone made me watch it sooo many times that it has officially made the dislike list.

3.) Olives

4.) Techno music - Yeah, that beat was cool for the first couple minutes. Wait, this is a different song? Could have fooled me.

5.) Renee Zelleweger - If you need an explanation, you have obviously never seen any of her movies.

6.) Talking in the morning - I am not a morning person. I will not make mindless chitchat with you about nothing in the morning, that takes effort I am not willing to expend.

7.) People who talk to me on an airplane - Most of the time I fly at ridiculously early times (see above), but most likely, I just don't want to talk to you, stranger, I'd rather listen to my music.

8.) Matthew McConaughey, even without a shirt - You are too tan and your accent is annoying. I don't care how ripped you are, every movie you make is the same.

9.) Republicans - But we should respect everyone's opinion. No. If you believe that the government should have less control over people's lives then tell gay people they can't marry and women what they should do with their bodies, I will not respect you nor will I like you. (Don't even get me started on the likes of Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter)

10.) Sarah Palin and her supporters - Not only do I dislike her, I also dislike her followers for liking her. "I can see Russia from my house..."

11.) People who don't get sarcasm (except people whose first language is not English, they get a free pass).

12.) Ferrets - I will never understand why people keep this disgusting and smelly creature as a pet.

13.) Nicholas Cage's acting, hair, and voice, in that order. Needs no explanation.

14.) The real housewives of any county or city. All these women have too much money and too much time on their hands. Go donate it to charity and stop being so dramatic.

15.) "Hey Soul Sister" by Train - what is this song even about? I don't even care to listen to it because its title is so lame.

16.) Actors who try to become singers (and vice versa) - just because they have the money and the name recognition, doesn't mean they have the talent.

17.) Denise Richards - The only thing I have ever liked her in was "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and that was only because her horrible acting added to the character.

18.) 50 Cent - Talking in a monotone voice is not rapping.

19.) The majority of music without lyrics - I get bored easily and I like to sing along. This holds especially true at jam band concerts, I don't want to hear a 10 minute drum solo, fine, great, I get it. You can play the drums, that's why you're in a band.

20.) People who cheat on their spouses with less attractive people - yeah, I should probably say people who cheat on their spouses, but let's be honest, if my spouse is going to cheat, I would prefer that it would be with a more attractive person than me, because that at least would make sense.

21.) Wearing socks at inappropriate times - I'll let you know if this one ever comes up...

25 Completely Selfish Things I Want to Do

Lately I've been trying to be more spontaneous. If I had the resources, these are some things I would like to do for me, just because they sound like fun or desire to do because I find them difficult. Real deep, I know.

1. Move to London and travel through Europe while living there
But I refuse to stay in a hostel after those movies, so this may prove rather expensive. I also love accents.

2. Run a marathon
True, I hate to run, but I just really want to be able to say "I did that."

3. Climb a mountain while visiting Africa
What can I say, I'm a multi-tasker.

4. Eat my way through India and the Middle East
This could be my best (and most delicious idea) yet.

5. Roadtrip across the US in an RV
"Road Rules" style but with my friends instead of those obnoxious strangers.

6. Go on "The Price is Right"
I know Bob Barker won't be there and he's the man, but it'd still be pretty cool, especially if I won something.

7. Watch "Saturday Night Live," live
Even though it hasn't been too funny lately, but I'm sure it's better live anyways.

8. Surf in Hawaii
"Blue Crush" is one of my guilty (yet somehow I am not embarrassed by this) pleasures.

9. Own a boat
My parents had one before I was born, until one of them left the plug out and it sunk. I still think that's one of the reasons they divorced.

10. Finally learn how to play euchre
People have seriously tried numerous times, I just haven't gotten it (could be because of my own resistance, but I really want to this time, I swear).

11. Write a short story that isn't based off of an episode of "Doogie Howser, MD" or a poem that doesn't rhyme
I did this more than the average person should, just see the poem below :)

12. Get myself in a magazine under the what not to wear section, and if I can get myself on the show, all the better
I've been trying for years, as you can probably tell.

13. Try snowboarding
I have horrible balance and small feet, that's probably a good combo for this, right?

14. Skydive
I hate heights and would probably pee my pants, but I really want to try it.

15. Learn to cook biryani
So I can eat it whenever I want.

16. Sit through a whole movie without talking once
If you think this wouldn't be that hard, you must not know me very well.

17. Ride a horse
I'm not too fond of this animal, but I'd give it a shot, once.

18. Learn how to sail
Ever since I rode a sailboat at midnight during college, I've been intrigued

19. Learn to sign my name without it looking like a fourth grader has stolen my identity
Seriously, it looks like how they teach you when you have to write between the lines.

20. Scuba dive at a ship wreck
How awesome would that be?

21. Take a ride on the Magic School Bus
I'm still working out the details on this one.

22. Bungee Jump
But only over water bc then if it snaps, I figure I have a better chance of surviving

23. Punch David Caruso (from CSI Miami) in the face while he's wearing his sunglasses
Now I do not like violence, but come on, who doesn't want to do this?

24. Shot a flaming arrow through a ring
Maybe even lighting the Olympic torch, but I'm not picky.

25. Solve a mystery
I really liked "Murder, She Wrote" growing up. Seems like a pretty cool gig.

So there you have it. 25 things I want to do. These are sure to change and hopefully I'll be able to cross some off over time. Let me know if you want to join in on any of them, I know Amy is already on board for a couple :)