Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Importance of Lifetime Movies

Many people make fun of me for watching Lifetime movies, but really I'm just looking out for myself. I've learned some very important lessons in safety and how to live my life. The following are just a few of the many things lifetime has taught me:

1. Never get married - 9 times out of 10, whatever the crime may be, the husband did it.

2. Don't trust your neighbors - They may have built a secret tunnel between your houses that they used to kill the previous tenant, and you're next.

3. Don't let your disability stop you - even a newly blind person can shot a gun and kill an escaped convict.

4. Be cautious of the help - your babysitter is not only crazy and wears your clothes when you're gone, but she wants to kill you and sleep with your husband.

5. Resolving an issue is never easy - at least one additional person will die before you confront the killer. This may just be a cop, but it could also be your best friend.

6. Mothers and mothers-in-law are always up to no good - They will try to kill you or your spouse. You've been warned.

7. Tori Spelling does not make a convincing co-ed call girl. Bulimic or girl who witnesses her parents' death, yes. Hooker, no.

8. Car accidents are never actually "accidents." - Something or more importantly, someone, was behind it.

9. Famous people who are escaping something embarrassing should go to a small town - they don't have televisions in small towns or movie theaters so no one will ever recognize you, especially the person you fall in love with, but you will eventually betray him or her by revealing your true identity before they eventually forgive you.

10. Breaking into someone's house who you suspect committed a crime will just lead to more problems for you - Not only are you almost guaranteed to get caught because they will come home early, but you are usually not armed and they are. Never a good idea.

11. The police are incompetent. - You have to solve the crime on your own because the police will never be able to do it. But be sure to pester them just enough so that they show up right at the end to save you after you did something stupid.

12. Small towns are always better than big cities - When forced to move to a rural town in Alaska or the south from the big city for a job that is only supposed to be temporary, you will find love and grow accustom to your new small town life, giving up your previous life for this unexciting place because the quirky people really make up for everything you had going for you in your big city life.

So there you have it. I hope you feel as prepared for life as I am now. Without Lifetime, I would have tried to bring my neighbors a casserole or worse yet, hired Tori Spelling as an escort.

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